From Curiosity to Confusion to Conflict

Lately, I have felt so conflicted and confused about my current 

situation. I keep guessing which is the right path or if I'm supposed to take a complete detour. But as 1 Corinthians 14:33 clearly states, "For God is not a God of confusion but of peace." So...why am I feeling this way? I obviously am not at peace. But I was tired of trying to figure things out and just jumped for it. I am scared. I keep making these choices without fully thinking, without letting the comprehension of the magnitude of my decisions dwell in. WHY ARE THERE SO MANY GRAY AREAS? I was satisfied with the absoluteness of my morals. But "a giving in" here and there caused what used to be so clear to inevitably fade away more and more. Do I want to live dangerously or do I want to live comfortably? Do I think I'm starting to live in the dark? Is there even a door that exists from which I can enter that has the slightest little crack of light...giving me hope to come back? Are Christians really supposed to be so vastly different from the rest of this world; is there supposed to be a concrete distinction? Or is there supposed to be some sort of balance when a Christian assimilates into the modern day culture? In light of the recent showing of 50 Shades of Grey, I have risen to even more internal questioning. I am still in the process of reflection, though I know that the Bible distinctly persists on people having sex strictly in a marital context. There is a plethora of verses on this.

Hebrews 13:4 "Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous."

1 Corinthians 6:18-20 "Flee from sexual immorality. Every other sin a person commits is outside the body, but the sexually immoral person sins against his own body. Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own, for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body."

1 Thessalonians 4:3-5 "For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you abstain from sexual immorality; that each one of you know how to control his own body in holiness and honor, not in the passion of lust like the Gentiles who do not know God"

1 Thessalonians 4:7 "For God has not called us for impurity, but in holiness."                                                                                                                                                                                                 But doesn't 1 Peter 4:8 say, "Above all, love each other deeply for love covers a multitude of sins"??? If we supposedly love each other and we're not married yet, would it not be alright? But then again...if he really loves me, he would wait for me...but how about if I'm starting to realize I don't hold waiting as a realistic standard? I know nothing can separate me from God...not even a sin such as "big" as this...but just because I know that doesn't mean I should take advantage of God..and how does one even take advantage of God? He is our God; not the other way around. If anything, it's our own hearts we're hurting.        "shame" "regret" {words which hold a looming burden of despair}

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CONFUSION gets me scattered all over the place!

                                                      

This is the one which speaks to me the most as of right now:
1 Peter 2:11 "Beloved, I urge you as sojourners and exiles to abstain from the passions of the flesh, which wage war against your soul." This is completely how I feel in the current state that I am in. I am in such anguish and toil --- My soul, my body, my mind in what seems like a never-ending cycle of tormenting conflict. 

But you know what's amazing? As I am writing this, a song came on my Spotify. It's Jason Castro's song Stay This Way. Every single word in the lyrics substantially strikes a chord in my soul and I am listening. Oh God, I am listening. 

"Are you right in a place where you don't want to be?

Got your heart in the hands of an enemy?

I promise you,

I've been there, I've been there, too.

Have you tried but you failed to begin again?

And you feel like a slave to the cycle you are in?

I've been there, I've been there too.

Listen to the words I say

You don't have to stay this way

Just because you're broken

Doesn't mean you're hopeless 

Go ahead and turn the page

Don't be afraid of better days

Put the past behind you

Grace has redefined you

You don't have to stay this way

You can stand with your head held high my friend

'cause the God of creation has made you innocent 

I promise, I promise, that you are new."

I don't have to stay this way. This isn't the person I am. This is not what I truly desire. I don't want to be confused anymore.  Let me detour back onto the narrow path. 
Another song to add-

"I am redeemed and You set me free so I will shake off these heavy chains. Wipe away every stain, now I'm not who I used to be. I am redeemed...thank God, redeemed." 

Taking selfish control over your life; making your own rules of what's right and what's wrong...only causes confusion in your soul and conflicts with what God would really want for you. Don't enslave your own heart, give it freely to Him. 

-mula sa aking puso, Ginelle Bulanadi

A Personal Journal Entry 2/8/15

      I can never find the grace You give me in others. I know what I've done. I have my baggage of regrets. I've confessed them to You and I know I've been forgiven. It's just...the people who have seen me trip and fall have a hard time of letting that go, at least to me it seems. I get it, the past will haunt you but I feel pressure to prove myself. I'VE DONE THIS BEFORE GOD! History really does repeat itself!
     At my old church, I was given the reputation of being a "wild child" because I had a boyfriend at 13. I knew other people around my age at that same church were doing worse than me but I had to be the one who was labeled and I felt like I was no longer welcomed there. The parents, yes ADULTS, were gossiping about the children in the church. What kind of church has parents bashing children, while they have no idea what their own children were up to?!
     I was the white lamb brought to slaughter. It got so bad that my dad had our whole family leave the church because he was afraid for our "family reputation." (this is what my dad told me at the time, but my parents have come to tell me that they didn't care what people thought. They just had a standard of what a Christian church should look like and it wasn't what that particular church was showing at that specific time. There were also other factors.) So much for the Methodist Church's motto of, "Open Hearts, Open Minds, Open Doors." The church is supposed to be a safe place for broken people. The church is supposed to be a body of believers who build each other up - who support one another and forgive one another. They are supposed to guide those who stray with love, not conviction.
     But look at where I am now. Those same people who looked down at me, look up to me. I felt like I was seen as someone marked with leprosy....Now I've been told I hold a certain type of light in the way that I carry myself. Yes, I know that light can get tainted and unfortunately has its days of dimness, but somehow...the SOURCE of that light always finds its way to beam through. Apparently, I was such a bad influence but then a few years went by and I was leading a bible study group for teenage boys and girls my age - all rooting from that very same church. They saw me change, my life became proof that I wasn't who they thought I was.
     And now...at this moment, I feel like it's happening all over again. Not with my church, just people I am around. They've seen me at my worst; they've seen my rock bottom. It's people who I have become so vulnerable with. I love them and I know they care about me, but it's just really hard for me to move on when I feel like I am constantly being reminded of what I've done and how it has or can affect them. I'm sorry I made the mistakes I did but I feel like all I've been hearing is a repetition of my regrets. I acknowledge my past, but I'm not dwelling in it anymore because I've already painfully lifted it up to God, and I am moving on and making sure I don't relive it. All I wanted were people who would build me up. Maybe I just haven't given them the chance, but if I am being completely honest, THIS IS HOW I FEEL. I feel like I have to prove my capabilities and worth all over again but I know I don't need to. You've forgiven me with Your unrelenting love. As I drove home yesterday from a day of what I felt was all about correction, I heard How He Loves on the radio. I haven't heard that song in such a long time but I completely felt the lyrics.

"I don't have time to maintain these regrets when I think about the way He loves us...If grace is an ocean we're all sinking"

I really don't have the time. Like I said in a previous post, I BACKSLID but I'm choosing to move forward. I know what I did but more importantly, I know who I am; I know I am Yours. 

It's just You and me. 

-mula sa aking puso, Ginelle Bulanadi

Timing

I'm a strong believer in timing. We may have wants that we bring to God, thinking that it abides in His will because they can be completely "good" things - whether it be a certain job, a potential spouse we're thinking of pursuing, a mission we feel like we're being called to go on, and so on. But just because it's a "good" thing, doesn't mean God's going to give it to us right then and there. You may feel like there would be no reason for God not to give you what you're asking for... but then think because He has not given it to you immediately, that He has somehow forsaken you. In actuality though, it really may be what God wants for you as well, it just doesn't align with His perfect timing. That's when patience comes along, which is so opposite from the fast-paced world we live in. We should have a patience that comes from having peace in constant trusting.

Maybe that job you were going after isn't the right one, maybe a better one is right around the corner.

Maybe that mission you thought you were being called for was just something that would make you feel proud of yourself, feel like you're some type of saint - when you think about it, you just wanted to be recognized.

Maybe that person you thought was the right one, would turn out to only be taking advantage of you.

OR maybe God will give you that job, it's just you're not ready for it. He wants you to have more experience before really entering in. You have to trust that He will place you where you can flourish.

OR maybe God would love for you to devote yourself in a mission, but it's just that He wants you check your heart and only commit to going for the right reasons.

OR maybe God wills for you to be together with that person, it's just both of you are not mentally, spiritually, and/or financially ready for a full commitment. Maybe, one of you wants something but the other person's heart is going the other direction. You have to both be on the same page and give God the control to author the book you both are about to begin.

It's about timing. It's about patience. It's about trust. So, don't worry about it. All good things come to those who wait. You are where you are and you are going where you are meant to be. As Jeremiah 29:11 says, " For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."


-mula sa aking puso, Ginelle Bulanadi