What do I have? What defines me?

Over the recent weeks, time has seemed to go into ultra speed and I feel like I've just been a bystander going through the motions; simply being an observer. Young adult life is crazy, it's like this transitional time in your life when you have to start acting like an adult without knowing how to be one. All I can say is that I try my best and try to make the right choices. In this time of exposure, you bring the morals you grew up with, the experiences you had during college, the little life lessons you learned along the way, and so on....but NOTHING can really prepare you for the reality of life.    
   In addition to all that, I'm sure we come into it thinking we are pretty good people but we as humans are more complex than we give ourselves credit. It is our ego, our pride that blocks the real vision of our hearts, minds, and souls. I like to think that I'm a "good girl." Yes, I've had my slips and falls, plus I AM an adult and have been one for a couple years now so I can do whatever grown folk can do, right? Well.... there are consequences to everything. I just knew that since everything in life was going so well, that it was probably too good to be true, like I didn't deserve any of it. All the accomplishments, relationships, financial stability, etc... it didn't feel real to me. I didn't own it. None of it felt truly mine, like it was all waiting for God to take a hold of everything again. Which, honestly, is a fact. Everything, and I mean EVERYTHING is His; everything we "have" is all just a loan. Even our own lives are not really our own, even if we try to take it and we also can't decide to live in its vessel forever. But who would want to live in this world forever anyway? 
  
   There is so much pain from humanity's cause. I always go back to this piece of scripture: "He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death' or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away."- Revelation 21:4 . It's nice to believe that "this too shall pass" and that we will have endless joy for eternity if we choose to believe in Him. But when you are in the midst of the storm, oh my goodness, how can you discern the destination or even begin to steer in that direction??? 

   Maybe some of you after reading this will try to reach out to me and/or pray for me. I do admire those things but there are things I need to do on my own. I need to pave my way to peace. It's just difficult to navigate because every effort leading up to this has just been shot down and extinguished. The perfect life I've tried to create for myself, isn't even mine to constitute. I'm not intentionally trying to write in a manner of bitterness but sometimes I just do not believe I deserve "good" things... all that I have is given to me through a mercy I cannot explain. 

   Am I a good person? Am I a bad person? Am I an average person? Am I more complicated than I used to think? Do my actions define me? Do my morals define me? How about if I don't enforce all those morals on myself? Or am I already identified through Christ?

   I know I am not all my choices, there is such a thing as redemption. That is the whole reason why Jesus came to take on our filth. I feel like I am a dirty rag waiting to be wrung out and made clean again. It sounds morbid, I know but I do not want to dwell anymore in this. I am going to trust His process within me so that I can go on to live the purpose He has set out for me.

Hebrews 13:20-21

"Now may the God of peace, who through the blood of the eternal covenant brought back from the dead our Lord Jesus, that great Shepherd of the sheep,

 equip you with everything good for doing his will, and may he work in us what is pleasing to him, through Jesus Christ, to whom be glory for ever and ever. Amen."

-mula sa aking puso, 

    Ginelle Bulanadi