What do I have? What defines me?

Over the recent weeks, time has seemed to go into ultra speed and I feel like I've just been a bystander going through the motions; simply being an observer. Young adult life is crazy, it's like this transitional time in your life when you have to start acting like an adult without knowing how to be one. All I can say is that I try my best and try to make the right choices. In this time of exposure, you bring the morals you grew up with, the experiences you had during college, the little life lessons you learned along the way, and so on....but NOTHING can really prepare you for the reality of life.    
   In addition to all that, I'm sure we come into it thinking we are pretty good people but we as humans are more complex than we give ourselves credit. It is our ego, our pride that blocks the real vision of our hearts, minds, and souls. I like to think that I'm a "good girl." Yes, I've had my slips and falls, plus I AM an adult and have been one for a couple years now so I can do whatever grown folk can do, right? Well.... there are consequences to everything. I just knew that since everything in life was going so well, that it was probably too good to be true, like I didn't deserve any of it. All the accomplishments, relationships, financial stability, etc... it didn't feel real to me. I didn't own it. None of it felt truly mine, like it was all waiting for God to take a hold of everything again. Which, honestly, is a fact. Everything, and I mean EVERYTHING is His; everything we "have" is all just a loan. Even our own lives are not really our own, even if we try to take it and we also can't decide to live in its vessel forever. But who would want to live in this world forever anyway? 
  
   There is so much pain from humanity's cause. I always go back to this piece of scripture: "He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death' or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away."- Revelation 21:4 . It's nice to believe that "this too shall pass" and that we will have endless joy for eternity if we choose to believe in Him. But when you are in the midst of the storm, oh my goodness, how can you discern the destination or even begin to steer in that direction??? 

   Maybe some of you after reading this will try to reach out to me and/or pray for me. I do admire those things but there are things I need to do on my own. I need to pave my way to peace. It's just difficult to navigate because every effort leading up to this has just been shot down and extinguished. The perfect life I've tried to create for myself, isn't even mine to constitute. I'm not intentionally trying to write in a manner of bitterness but sometimes I just do not believe I deserve "good" things... all that I have is given to me through a mercy I cannot explain. 

   Am I a good person? Am I a bad person? Am I an average person? Am I more complicated than I used to think? Do my actions define me? Do my morals define me? How about if I don't enforce all those morals on myself? Or am I already identified through Christ?

   I know I am not all my choices, there is such a thing as redemption. That is the whole reason why Jesus came to take on our filth. I feel like I am a dirty rag waiting to be wrung out and made clean again. It sounds morbid, I know but I do not want to dwell anymore in this. I am going to trust His process within me so that I can go on to live the purpose He has set out for me.

Hebrews 13:20-21

"Now may the God of peace, who through the blood of the eternal covenant brought back from the dead our Lord Jesus, that great Shepherd of the sheep,

 equip you with everything good for doing his will, and may he work in us what is pleasing to him, through Jesus Christ, to whom be glory for ever and ever. Amen."

-mula sa aking puso, 

    Ginelle Bulanadi

Dear 2018,

Today marks the last day of the year. Wow. 
Even though I've had undeniable growth (buying my first car, making furniture payments lol, volunteering at an outreach camp, going into teaching for my 2nd year, etc) it has also felt like my most stagnant and comfortable year ever. I feel like I haven't taken any major risks at all, which has left me feel numb and unsatisfied. 

As the new year approaches, I do have resolutions in mind but I decided to mention more significant things that would change my overall mindset. I am praying to God for more of His guidance, a willing heart of servitude, peacefulness of mind/soul, a sense of purpose, and an outpouring heart. 
I hope to carry these aspirations throughout my life and be able to feel the process of fulfillment. 
You know my heart Lord and that all these are necessary ingredients for me to live the life You have created for me. 



The two quotes I want to keep in mind as I enter 2018 are:
"And all the colors I am inside
Have not been invented yet" - Shel Silverstein

"And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ." Philippians 1:6


I like to think that my true self has yet to explode. 


-Mula sa aking puso, Ginelle Bulanadi 

How To Live

Live like you're loved
because you are

Fly like you have been set free
because your chains are broken

Stand like you know who He made you to be
because the Crafter molded you with a purpose

It's more than okay to - it is encouraged

so go ahead and walk
with your head up to the heavens 
and the knowledge that you were enough
because you are

(inspired by the song Live Like You're Loved by Hawk Nelson)

-Mula sa aking puso, Ginelle Bulanadi

Life Update 2017

    Beginning of August 2016, I started my first day in my career. I am in my first year of teaching in a 1st grade class. I work at a charter school in Dallas with students coming from a low socioeconomic status. It has been both difficult and rewarding. I have never been so stressed in my life but I know it takes someone of my patience to be in a field like this. I've also seen some of my students blossom from crying in class because they thought they were dumb to making all A's and reading on level. Sometimes though, I feel like it isn't enough. Honestly, many times I feel like I am not efficient enough as a teacher. If you have been on social media lately, you probably have seen the video with the African American male teacher who teaches at a title 1 school who gave each of his students a different handshake (he even made it to Ellen where he accepted thousands for his school.) He even said that he would let the kids touch some of his actual money to show that they don't have to turn to the streets for quick cash but can stay the path and earn a salary by having a career. As I watched this, I felt this gnawing feeling like I wasn't enough for my kids. I don't think I'm creative enough or passionate enough. Which I find ironic since women at my church have been telling me the opposite. I got asked to help with my church's nursery class and also the kindergarten class in coming up / breaking down the curriculum for Sunday school. The women kept telling me that this is my gift, that this is what I'm called to do so might as well use it in the ministry. For the longest time, that's what I thought and somewhat still kind of think right now. I mean, I changed my major in college from nursing to pursue special education because I knew I loved teaching Sunday school when I was in high school and thought I could make a career out of it.
    I don't know if I am just doubting my abilities but a lot of times this year, I have been feeling low. I am happy sometimes but mostly, I feel like I'm just going through the motions and just surviving because I have to. I am an adult now with bills and deadlines. I am fully responsible for myself....but now when I think of that, I ask myself, "then isn't it my duty to keep myself happy?" My failures will be failures and my successes will be my successes; at least I can call them my own. I'm not completely saying I am going to quit education because maybe next year I'll teach at a Christian school or teach in a resource room with a few special needs students or teach a life skills class or even just stay where I am. I REALLY don't know where life is going to take me but I have to trust that God will keep me afloat.
     My favorite bible story is when Jesus is on the water and asks Peter to come to him. Obviously, Peter is going to be hesitant and think to himself that there is no way he could walk on water. Nonetheless, he started and he was going a little but suddenly paused, looked around, saw the waves, and started sinking. That's when Jesus branched out his arm to pull Peter up and Jesus said, "o ye of little faith..." THIS is the story I ALWAYS go back to when I don't know what to do, when I feel like I'm at rock bottom even when I'm really not, I'm just having an episode of my anxiety. But that is what happens. We can think we are following God but the minute we hesitate and look around us instead of fixing our eyes on Him, we are going to fall off.
      So, here are some goals I want to keep my focus on as I wander around this world trying to find my purpose. I know I want to start a girl's mentoring program. I want to write spiritual help books. I want to liven up my blogging, maybe even start a website of my own. I want to create a quality magazine that's made on eco-friendly paper or write for one. I want to start a youtube channel where I can talk about spirituality, politics, love, culture, social subjects, natural products, maybe even some cooking. I want to go on missionary trips. I don't know, we'll see where this journey called life takes me.

                                                            mula sa aking puso, 

   Ginelle Bulanadi

Back At It!

Hey guys! It has been almost a YEAR since my last posting but I actually do not regret it at all! I have grown so much more this past year than all the other years of my life (yes, I know I am not even that old yet) but I am grateful for all the internal sufferings, personal reflections, academic accomplishments, and strength that I have gained! I have so much to share in  the next posts (that I hopefully have up soon) and would like to officially announce my YouTube channel is in the works!
STAY TUNED my loves!

-mula sa aking puso, Ginelle Bulanadi

From Curiosity to Confusion to Conflict

Lately, I have felt so conflicted and confused about my current 

situation. I keep guessing which is the right path or if I'm supposed to take a complete detour. But as 1 Corinthians 14:33 clearly states, "For God is not a God of confusion but of peace." So...why am I feeling this way? I obviously am not at peace. But I was tired of trying to figure things out and just jumped for it. I am scared. I keep making these choices without fully thinking, without letting the comprehension of the magnitude of my decisions dwell in. WHY ARE THERE SO MANY GRAY AREAS? I was satisfied with the absoluteness of my morals. But "a giving in" here and there caused what used to be so clear to inevitably fade away more and more. Do I want to live dangerously or do I want to live comfortably? Do I think I'm starting to live in the dark? Is there even a door that exists from which I can enter that has the slightest little crack of light...giving me hope to come back? Are Christians really supposed to be so vastly different from the rest of this world; is there supposed to be a concrete distinction? Or is there supposed to be some sort of balance when a Christian assimilates into the modern day culture? In light of the recent showing of 50 Shades of Grey, I have risen to even more internal questioning. I am still in the process of reflection, though I know that the Bible distinctly persists on people having sex strictly in a marital context. There is a plethora of verses on this.

Hebrews 13:4 "Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous."

1 Corinthians 6:18-20 "Flee from sexual immorality. Every other sin a person commits is outside the body, but the sexually immoral person sins against his own body. Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own, for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body."

1 Thessalonians 4:3-5 "For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you abstain from sexual immorality; that each one of you know how to control his own body in holiness and honor, not in the passion of lust like the Gentiles who do not know God"

1 Thessalonians 4:7 "For God has not called us for impurity, but in holiness."                                                                                                                                                                                                 But doesn't 1 Peter 4:8 say, "Above all, love each other deeply for love covers a multitude of sins"??? If we supposedly love each other and we're not married yet, would it not be alright? But then again...if he really loves me, he would wait for me...but how about if I'm starting to realize I don't hold waiting as a realistic standard? I know nothing can separate me from God...not even a sin such as "big" as this...but just because I know that doesn't mean I should take advantage of God..and how does one even take advantage of God? He is our God; not the other way around. If anything, it's our own hearts we're hurting.        "shame" "regret" {words which hold a looming burden of despair}

a;dlka;dlkas;dlkasdoiasdioasjdoiasjdoiasjdoiasjd 

CONFUSION gets me scattered all over the place!

                                                      

This is the one which speaks to me the most as of right now:
1 Peter 2:11 "Beloved, I urge you as sojourners and exiles to abstain from the passions of the flesh, which wage war against your soul." This is completely how I feel in the current state that I am in. I am in such anguish and toil --- My soul, my body, my mind in what seems like a never-ending cycle of tormenting conflict. 

But you know what's amazing? As I am writing this, a song came on my Spotify. It's Jason Castro's song Stay This Way. Every single word in the lyrics substantially strikes a chord in my soul and I am listening. Oh God, I am listening. 

"Are you right in a place where you don't want to be?

Got your heart in the hands of an enemy?

I promise you,

I've been there, I've been there, too.

Have you tried but you failed to begin again?

And you feel like a slave to the cycle you are in?

I've been there, I've been there too.

Listen to the words I say

You don't have to stay this way

Just because you're broken

Doesn't mean you're hopeless 

Go ahead and turn the page

Don't be afraid of better days

Put the past behind you

Grace has redefined you

You don't have to stay this way

You can stand with your head held high my friend

'cause the God of creation has made you innocent 

I promise, I promise, that you are new."

I don't have to stay this way. This isn't the person I am. This is not what I truly desire. I don't want to be confused anymore.  Let me detour back onto the narrow path. 
Another song to add-

"I am redeemed and You set me free so I will shake off these heavy chains. Wipe away every stain, now I'm not who I used to be. I am redeemed...thank God, redeemed." 

Taking selfish control over your life; making your own rules of what's right and what's wrong...only causes confusion in your soul and conflicts with what God would really want for you. Don't enslave your own heart, give it freely to Him. 

-mula sa aking puso, Ginelle Bulanadi

A Personal Journal Entry 2/8/15

      I can never find the grace You give me in others. I know what I've done. I have my baggage of regrets. I've confessed them to You and I know I've been forgiven. It's just...the people who have seen me trip and fall have a hard time of letting that go, at least to me it seems. I get it, the past will haunt you but I feel pressure to prove myself. I'VE DONE THIS BEFORE GOD! History really does repeat itself!
     At my old church, I was given the reputation of being a "wild child" because I had a boyfriend at 13. I knew other people around my age at that same church were doing worse than me but I had to be the one who was labeled and I felt like I was no longer welcomed there. The parents, yes ADULTS, were gossiping about the children in the church. What kind of church has parents bashing children, while they have no idea what their own children were up to?!
     I was the white lamb brought to slaughter. It got so bad that my dad had our whole family leave the church because he was afraid for our "family reputation." (this is what my dad told me at the time, but my parents have come to tell me that they didn't care what people thought. They just had a standard of what a Christian church should look like and it wasn't what that particular church was showing at that specific time. There were also other factors.) So much for the Methodist Church's motto of, "Open Hearts, Open Minds, Open Doors." The church is supposed to be a safe place for broken people. The church is supposed to be a body of believers who build each other up - who support one another and forgive one another. They are supposed to guide those who stray with love, not conviction.
     But look at where I am now. Those same people who looked down at me, look up to me. I felt like I was seen as someone marked with leprosy....Now I've been told I hold a certain type of light in the way that I carry myself. Yes, I know that light can get tainted and unfortunately has its days of dimness, but somehow...the SOURCE of that light always finds its way to beam through. Apparently, I was such a bad influence but then a few years went by and I was leading a bible study group for teenage boys and girls my age - all rooting from that very same church. They saw me change, my life became proof that I wasn't who they thought I was.
     And now...at this moment, I feel like it's happening all over again. Not with my church, just people I am around. They've seen me at my worst; they've seen my rock bottom. It's people who I have become so vulnerable with. I love them and I know they care about me, but it's just really hard for me to move on when I feel like I am constantly being reminded of what I've done and how it has or can affect them. I'm sorry I made the mistakes I did but I feel like all I've been hearing is a repetition of my regrets. I acknowledge my past, but I'm not dwelling in it anymore because I've already painfully lifted it up to God, and I am moving on and making sure I don't relive it. All I wanted were people who would build me up. Maybe I just haven't given them the chance, but if I am being completely honest, THIS IS HOW I FEEL. I feel like I have to prove my capabilities and worth all over again but I know I don't need to. You've forgiven me with Your unrelenting love. As I drove home yesterday from a day of what I felt was all about correction, I heard How He Loves on the radio. I haven't heard that song in such a long time but I completely felt the lyrics.

"I don't have time to maintain these regrets when I think about the way He loves us...If grace is an ocean we're all sinking"

I really don't have the time. Like I said in a previous post, I BACKSLID but I'm choosing to move forward. I know what I did but more importantly, I know who I am; I know I am Yours. 

It's just You and me. 

-mula sa aking puso, Ginelle Bulanadi