Life Update 2017

    Beginning of August 2016, I started my first day in my career. I am in my first year of teaching in a 1st grade class. I work at a charter school in Dallas with students coming from a low socioeconomic status. It has been both difficult and rewarding. I have never been so stressed in my life but I know it takes someone of my patience to be in a field like this. I've also seen some of my students blossom from crying in class because they thought they were dumb to making all A's and reading on level. Sometimes though, I feel like it isn't enough. Honestly, many times I feel like I am not efficient enough as a teacher. If you have been on social media lately, you probably have seen the video with the African American male teacher who teaches at a title 1 school who gave each of his students a different handshake (he even made it to Ellen where he accepted thousands for his school.) He even said that he would let the kids touch some of his actual money to show that they don't have to turn to the streets for quick cash but can stay the path and earn a salary by having a career. As I watched this, I felt this gnawing feeling like I wasn't enough for my kids. I don't think I'm creative enough or passionate enough. Which I find ironic since women at my church have been telling me the opposite. I got asked to help with my church's nursery class and also the kindergarten class in coming up / breaking down the curriculum for Sunday school. The women kept telling me that this is my gift, that this is what I'm called to do so might as well use it in the ministry. For the longest time, that's what I thought and somewhat still kind of think right now. I mean, I changed my major in college from nursing to pursue special education because I knew I loved teaching Sunday school when I was in high school and thought I could make a career out of it.
    I don't know if I am just doubting my abilities but a lot of times this year, I have been feeling low. I am happy sometimes but mostly, I feel like I'm just going through the motions and just surviving because I have to. I am an adult now with bills and deadlines. I am fully responsible for myself....but now when I think of that, I ask myself, "then isn't it my duty to keep myself happy?" My failures will be failures and my successes will be my successes; at least I can call them my own. I'm not completely saying I am going to quit education because maybe next year I'll teach at a Christian school or teach in a resource room with a few special needs students or teach a life skills class or even just stay where I am. I REALLY don't know where life is going to take me but I have to trust that God will keep me afloat.
     My favorite bible story is when Jesus is on the water and asks Peter to come to him. Obviously, Peter is going to be hesitant and think to himself that there is no way he could walk on water. Nonetheless, he started and he was going a little but suddenly paused, looked around, saw the waves, and started sinking. That's when Jesus branched out his arm to pull Peter up and Jesus said, "o ye of little faith..." THIS is the story I ALWAYS go back to when I don't know what to do, when I feel like I'm at rock bottom even when I'm really not, I'm just having an episode of my anxiety. But that is what happens. We can think we are following God but the minute we hesitate and look around us instead of fixing our eyes on Him, we are going to fall off.
      So, here are some goals I want to keep my focus on as I wander around this world trying to find my purpose. I know I want to start a girl's mentoring program. I want to write spiritual help books. I want to liven up my blogging, maybe even start a website of my own. I want to create a quality magazine that's made on eco-friendly paper or write for one. I want to start a youtube channel where I can talk about spirituality, politics, love, culture, social subjects, natural products, maybe even some cooking. I want to go on missionary trips. I don't know, we'll see where this journey called life takes me.

                                                            mula sa aking puso, 

   Ginelle Bulanadi