At my old church, I was given the reputation of being a "wild child" because I had a boyfriend at 13. I knew other people around my age at that same church were doing worse than me but I had to be the one who was labeled and I felt like I was no longer welcomed there. The parents, yes ADULTS, were gossiping about the children in the church. What kind of church has parents bashing children, while they have no idea what their own children were up to?!
I was the white lamb brought to slaughter. It got so bad that my dad had our whole family leave the church because he was afraid for our "family reputation." (this is what my dad told me at the time, but my parents have come to tell me that they didn't care what people thought. They just had a standard of what a Christian church should look like and it wasn't what that particular church was showing at that specific time. There were also other factors.) So much for the Methodist Church's motto of, "Open Hearts, Open Minds, Open Doors." The church is supposed to be a safe place for broken people. The church is supposed to be a body of believers who build each other up - who support one another and forgive one another. They are supposed to guide those who stray with love, not conviction.
But look at where I am now. Those same people who looked down at me, look up to me. I felt like I was seen as someone marked with leprosy....Now I've been told I hold a certain type of light in the way that I carry myself. Yes, I know that light can get tainted and unfortunately has its days of dimness, but somehow...the SOURCE of that light always finds its way to beam through. Apparently, I was such a bad influence but then a few years went by and I was leading a bible study group for teenage boys and girls my age - all rooting from that very same church. They saw me change, my life became proof that I wasn't who they thought I was.
And now...at this moment, I feel like it's happening all over again. Not with my church, just people I am around. They've seen me at my worst; they've seen my rock bottom. It's people who I have become so vulnerable with. I love them and I know they care about me, but it's just really hard for me to move on when I feel like I am constantly being reminded of what I've done and how it has or can affect them. I'm sorry I made the mistakes I did but I feel like all I've been hearing is a repetition of my regrets. I acknowledge my past, but I'm not dwelling in it anymore because I've already painfully lifted it up to God, and I am moving on and making sure I don't relive it. All I wanted were people who would build me up. Maybe I just haven't given them the chance, but if I am being completely honest, THIS IS HOW I FEEL. I feel like I have to prove my capabilities and worth all over again but I know I don't need to. You've forgiven me with Your unrelenting love. As I drove home yesterday from a day of what I felt was all about correction, I heard How He Loves on the radio. I haven't heard that song in such a long time but I completely felt the lyrics.
"I don't have time to maintain these regrets when I think about the way He loves us...If grace is an ocean we're all sinking"
I really don't have the time. Like I said in a previous post, I BACKSLID but I'm choosing to move forward. I know what I did but more importantly, I know who I am; I know I am Yours.
It's just You and me.
-mula sa aking puso, Ginelle Bulanadi
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